FEAR

For years I had an overwhelming anger in the pit of my stomach masked under good deeds. I was striving to be a good person to hide the ugly inside. This monster I buried deep. Deeper than the love I had for the people I was serving. I was angry at life longing to take my own but helping others to enjoy theirs. I was angry with abandonment, shame, guilt, and perfection. I was angry with those who wore a smile on their faces. It’s no way they could be that happy right? I was angry with people who had what I wanted. I was angry because time did not wait for me. I needed more time. More hugs. More answers. That anger resembled emptiness and void. That growl was not hunger but a monster that kept me up at night. Turns out that anger was a deeply rooted fear. Fear of failing and appearing as anything less than great and fear of succeeding because greatness was terrifying. There was an internal battle and sometimes there still is. A battle between failing and succeeding but never realizing that I do both daily. Not realizing that individuals need a good amount of both to grow. Fearing failure led me to try too hard and fearing success led me to not try enough. The very people I served and helped I feared that they would think less of me for not doing enough but the more I did for others the less I felt the anger and now looking back fear was my enemy. It stares back at me in the mirror daily. Its a monster I have to overcome every single day. I struggle to conquer fear because even though fear is a monster, it seems to be a close friend. When I didn’t want to go somewhere or do something fear was there. I could always count on fear to not let me down. But the truth is that’s all fear did. It brought me down to a paralyzing state. It suffocated me in my waking hours and tormented me in the visions of my sleep. I was afraid to live because I encountered so much loss. I was afraid to love because heartache was too much to bear. Fear had the upper hand because I chose to lower my hands and not put up a fight. Today I am choosing to fight. Fight the fear that looks me up and down in the mirror and tells me I’m not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, or strong enough. Today I fight fear. Tomorrow fear hesitates but I won’t.