Lens of loss

For a long time I viewed life through the lens of loss. I endured every relationship and friendship. I grieved them leading up to the day I will lose them. I had a very distorted view of life. I anticipated losing every relationship I gained. Its been 16 years since I lost my mother. A tragedy I would not wish on anyone. A love I can never let go. The very thing I feared as a kid happened. She left me. Of course not on purpose I know that now. What could a young heart understand when the one person she knew that loved her was gone? When tragedy strikes its never the same. Everyone’s experience is different. I had people tell me I shouldn’t be grieving the loss of my mother this long. I had another tell me its time to get over it. These words crippled my heart because when you love someone its like they become a part of you. My mom was a part of me that I just couldn’t let go. The crippling affect of losing someone so dear to me plagued my heart. This loss changed my life. It caused me to fear the unknown of people coming in and out of my life. As I write this post the feeling of acceptance brushes my heart. Long ago I accepted that my mother was no longer here but in this moment I am accepting that it is time to move on. Let me clarify. I will never lose the love I have for my mom. That will never go away. When I say it is time to move on I mean it is time for me to no longer view every relationship through the lens of loss patiently waiting to lose someone else. I don’t want to live that way anymore. The grieving may never go away but the lens from which I view life can. All my mom ever wanted for me was to live happy and not in a painful turmoil as she did as a kid. I want to honor that for my sake, for her sake, and for the sake of others. I am now viewing life through a different lens. A lens of love. One that loves without fail. I can only hope that when I face another tragedy that I can grieve and move through the grief and live at the same time. I will exercise this new lens day by day. My mom’s loss was a turning point. Now I keep her memory as a dare to be happy. I know she is not suffering. I view her smiling and laughing. I smile when I think of her. The pain is now less. I have no idea on how to end this blog because this isn’t the end but rather the beginning of something new. The future is a mystery, the past is history, but my present is the here and now. Recently, I was talking to my therapist who reassured me that therapy doesn’t have to be revolving. I thought every time a person get a new therapist they must start completely over revisiting every painful moment again. Instead, she said let’s focus on the here and now. I like that idea. Mother’s day is quickly approaching. Before I dread that day now I welcome it with open arms as I would when I hugged my mother. Mother’s day is a day people honor their mother. I am thankful for the 16 years I had with my mom before her illness, the three years I had with her during her illness, and the 16 years I had grieving her loss. That’s 35 years! Today I close this chapter of the lens of loss and open it to the lens of love.